My daughter recently celebrated her 13th birthday, though I don’t quite understand how I am old enough to have a teenager. Even as I approach 40, I often feel as though I’m looking around the room for the nearest adult.
I am coming up on this new season of parenting as we approach four years since my mom’s passing. I miss her guidance and wisdom, but I am so grateful for the ways she parented us through the teen years. In fact, my mom always said that the teenage years were her favorite. I understand that now in a way I didn’t when I was growing up. Teenagers are fascinating. They are figuring out who they are, what they believe, what they love, and what kind of adults they want to become. Perhaps that’s part of why they have always been my favorite age group to teach, too. They are old enough to have meaningful conversations with, but young enough to still be forming the people they will become.
Raising teens can be difficult. There’s nuance and balance required, like tending a garden. You must be willing to prune, while still providing the nourishment and guidance needed for them to grow. Teenagers need boundaries and grace, open conversation, and the absolute certainty that they are loved—not only by their parents, but by the God who created them. As I think back on my own years growing up and consider the years ahead with my children, I am increasingly grateful for the foundation my parents gave us. I see examples of their intentionality bearing beautiful fruit, not only in my own life, but in the lives of my siblings and this new generation of nieces and nephews.
My mom and dad maintained high standards for us. Respect, hard work, and responsibility were expected, but never in a legalistic or oppressive way. They kept the ever-important perspective that our priorities were Faith and Family, and everything else came after that. They taught us the faith and expected us to live it, but it was never presented as a burden to bear. It was a gift, shared as the fullness of truth and our highest calling in this life: to know, love, and serve God. Family was also given high priority, not as an obligation to fulfill, but as a gift to be cherished. Our family unit, and the people brought into it through marriage and circumstance, were our companions on the journey, our team to love and respect. My parents understood that their job wasn’t simply to raise well-behaved children, but to help form people who knew who they were, whose they were, and what they were created for.
Within those firm foundations, there was still room for our individual passions and interests. Art, theater, music, and sports were all good and meaningful things, and my parents loved sharing them with us. Looking back, I can see how they balanced high expectations with the freedom to discover our own gifts and interests – they gave us direction without trying to make us all into the same kind of person.
As a female, I am especially grateful for my mom’s approach to raising young women. The common threads of her parenting style were intentionality and love. Mom watched closely. She learned to identify insecurity and heartache and filled the gaps as best she could. When we encountered friendship troubles or heartbreak, she responded with quality time together. When we struggled with something, she helped us find the support we needed. And when we developed an attitude or became defiant, she loved us through it, gently breaking down the walls and restoring communication.
She also made an effort to help us navigate the culture in a way that remained true to our faith. Mom understood the pressures girls face to look or dress a certain way, and she worked tirelessly to ensure that we had clothes that were modest and flattering while still being in style. But it wasn’t simply about fitting in. She taught us to carry ourselves with dignity, choosing clothes and styles that were flattering and appropriate, and that reflected the beauty and dignity of who God created us to be. She taught us to dress for our individual body types and to forgo popular cuts that simply didn’t suit us. She taught us how to use makeup and style our hair in ways that highlighted the beauty God had already given us.
When my daughter turned 13 this year, I thought about how my mom had marked that birthday for us. Good makeup and a lesson in how to use it were part of turning 13 in our family, and this year, I got to give my daughter that same little gift.
I’m sure I will get plenty wrong as I raise my own teenagers. I will overreact sometimes, miss things I should have noticed, and wonder more than once if I have any idea what I’m doing. But I hope I can give my children what my parents gave us: firm foundations, room to become the people God created them to be, and the confidence that they are deeply and unconditionally loved.
Teenagers can be hard. But if you look closely and love deeply, they can become some of the coolest and most interesting people you’ve ever met.
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